Okay, so...
I just sat down and watched the acclaimed "Bird Box" on Netflix.
A few things before we start, this review will contain spoilers, this is for your benefit. Please read this the entire way through, save yourself, take off your blindfold.
This film starts off with very little structure or talent, and credit to the directors, actors and crew, this continues the entire way through. Points for consistency, team! The panic in the first 15 minutes was the peak of this film, you could stop playing at this point and have the film make as much sense as it would if you watched all the way to the end.
As a huge fan of "A Quiet Place" I felt strongly about a film so similar to it being made so soon after it, and as someone who despised "The Happening" I *really* didn't want a film so similar to it being made, ever again, human kind has suffered enough.
Alas, the universe felt differently, and there it was - Bird Box in my "Trending Now" menu of Netflix, so I watched.
Synopsis:
From what I could understand, there is a monster of some kind on the loose, wreaking havoc in a society of mentally unwell people, making their eyes glassy and creating suicide clusters where ever it is... Seen?
The viewer of the movie, however, never experiences seeing the monster, and therefore is left wondering what it looks like. This is a minor detail obviously. A nice to have, not a need to have. The most you ever see of the villain is the destruction left in its wake and the very, very sinister breeze that symbolises it in some way.
The Plot:
There isn't one, it's a fishing net plot. If you don't understand that, it means there were lots of holes.
The Acting:
Sandra Bullock always does well with thriller/horror, like... ummm... okay, well, I can't think of anything good right now but I'm sure there's some proof, somewhere.
Let's give her points for trying, the extreme aggression Malorie shows while giving instructions to her children "boy" and "girl" (not a joke, literally their names) almost every time she interacts with them was definitely imperative to the intensity of the movie, mostly because it was the only intensity the movie had in it. That and the running through the fucking forest with a blindfold on, how many times did she need to fall before she realised that it was not working out for her? Stop running through the forest with a blindfold on. Stop.
"Boy" and "Girl" do well, they keep their mouths shut, don't cause any adults deaths and follow instruction without complaint. 10/10 acting kids, good job. You think for a minute they might fuck up all the hard work of the adults but they come good, thankfully.
Sarah Paulson plays Malorie's sister, is in the film for all of 13 minutes and it is infuriating. Sarah was the one person I was interested in watching, her talent has been repeatedly proven throughout her career and it was desperately needed here today. Apparently, the one person who could have made this movie good, was better off being the first to fucking die. Nice. Great. Excellent.
Trevante Rhodes plays Tom, I've never seen him in anything before and I wasn't totally disappointed, he was likeable and seemed very natural on screen. I would probably like to see more of his work before I make any comment on his range or talent. His character was the "Hero" for lack of a better term, proven in his death scene when he looks, becomes one of the corrupted and kills another corrupted to save Malorie and the kids before killing himself.
John Malkovich plays Douglas. Douglas is an asshole alcoholic whose wife becomes corrupted and dies trying to save Malorie within the first 13 minutes of the movie. Douglas is obviously upset by this, but it becomes harder to tell whether that's what pissed him off, or whether it's because he's just a bitter old dude who is sceptical of any good in the world. Either way, he does fine, gets an "I told you so" moment, and dies.
Tom Hollander as Gary was pretty fucked up, he comes in needing help and Douglas warns everyone. No one listens to grumpy ol' Douglas though, then Gary becomes corrupted, corrupts some people and they die. Then he dies.
I'm not going to list any other characters, no one else really did anything I can write about. IMDB has the entire cast list if you want to see the extras with lines that were in the movie too.
The Music:
This crushes me to announce, it really does. I feel so badly that people that I'm such a big fan of now have their names tied to this forever... oh well, everybody gets one, right Spidey?
Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross composed the soundtrack for this movie, which is the one good thing I found. These guys always do a fantastic job though, so it's hard to fault them. I may also be biased, but I really didn't mind the music.
The Cinematography:
I actually really liked the way the movie was filmed, the cut scenes were deliberate and appropriate, the "through the blindfold" shots were cool, framing and panning were pleasant to watch and the editing was good. It was just the content that was bad.
Wrap Up:
All in all, don't fucking watch this movie. You're left with more questions than answers, go watch "A Quiet Place" instead and have your fucking mind blown.
*Netflix rating "Thumbs Down".